Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Another Flashback

-This was written mid-October 2009.-
"There should be no more hushed tones, somber faces or sorrowful apologies. The news of Down syndrome ought to be delivered with smiles, congratulations, a hearty slap on the back and a look of envy from every doctor in the world."
Jill kocian
I remember the day my doctor asked if I wanted the Triple Screen Test done.  I said, “No, because it won’t matter anyway, and I don’t want to stress out for the possibility of having something be wrong, as I will not have an amnio done regardless.”  

Fast forward to the day my family welcomed our precious Kheaven Zane into the world, September 21.  I had been in labor for roughly two weeks and finally my body decided to keep progressing.  My J dropped me off at the hospital and went home to get some more rest with the other two kiddos in our bunch.  I made a few phone calls, and waited to see if this was in fact the day, as I had been in and out of the hospital for the previous two weeks.

It was the day! Six hours after being admitted to the hospital I gave birth to a beautiful 6lb 8oz boy with a head full of hair!  My child, and hair!  It just didn’t make sense, I knew something must be wrong!  (Just kidding.)

I cried harder when Kheaven was born than with either of my other children.  I conceived him a couple of months after a previous miscarriage, had been worried about miscarrying him in the beginning and I deeply wanted another child.  It wasn’t an easy pregnancy, but mine never were.  There weren’t any complications other than light spotting in the beginning though.

About two hours after I had Kheaven the doctor came in all befuddled.  *My poor doctor.  He mentioned that he noticed some of the soft markers for DS and that he would have another pediatrician come  and take a look at him.  He was all nervous and apologizing, and I was so confused…  No tests had been done yet, and every soft marker he mentioned was a feature on my partner or myself.  Cute little ears with kinks…  wide set, almond shaped eyes…  a little gap between his big toe and the rest of his toes.  The only thing that was of any concern to me or my partner was this cute little roll on his neck.

Well, I told the doctor not to worry, and that everything would be fine, until we had the test done there was no cause for alarm, and even after that Kheaven was still perfect.

Ten days later I receive a voicemail, from my doctor…  

A chill went down my spine and it was my first instinct to run the bathroom and vomit.  Although only four days earlier the doctor was thinking he had ordered the chromosomal test for nothing after looking Kheaven over when he was less swollen from birth the results came back positive for T21.

Doc asked if I was okay and if I had any questions…  Questions…  Um, YES I had questions, though at the time I had NO idea what they were.  He gave me the phone number of a college mate who also had a child with DS and said to call him as soon as I could, and he would be able to answer questions for me.

Even though I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around anything, two hours later I called the man and talked to him a little bit about everything.  I had missed that he had a daughter with DS from the convo with my doctor, I’m sure I missed a bit from that convo.  I cried for a few hours after getting the news, but eventually the tears subsided.

The next few days I cried myself to sleep, but during the day I was strong for myself, my family, my friends, and of course my two other children.  I didn’t know why I was crying so much anyway.  I knew I wanted my baby, knew I loved him more than anything along with my other two children.  Knew I was blessed just to have him when I thought I may not be able to have anymore kids.

Eventually I figured out I wasn’t crying because of the diagnosis.  I was crying because if anyone tells you your child is at risk for a number of problems, that they may face ridicule and more challenges than most people will ever have to face it’s a little disconcerting.

I joined online forums, found blogs, and kept in touch with my first contacts and kept reading everything I could…  I’m still reading.  I love my son so much and want to give him every opportunity to be the best he can be.  Everyone struggles somewhere in their lives, it’s just part of life.

Kheaven is very healthy as of now, he nurses well, lifts his head and even rolled over a few days ago.  He’s already amazing me, and I only hope for more.  He’s my Handsome beloved, gift from God and I will NOT take him for granted.

*Some people may think my doctor's reaction was not appropriate, that maybe it would have scared/upset me more because he seemed perturbed by the news.  I believe he responded that way because he had been my doctor through my miscarriage and new how much I loved and was excited for Kheaven.  I do hope the experiences he had with my family and the way we responded will encourage him in the future to not be so upset when delivering the new of a possible/positive diagnosis for Down syndrome though.

"Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion bring healing and new strength," Henri Nouwen observes. "If you will risk sitting in the solitude your heart to reflect on your story, then Jesus will meet you there. He will lead you along a path that restores your true self."


Nicole.Ann said...

Thank you for posting Amy....I needed to read that last quote as well. I really enjoy hearing you write and your positivity through the tough stuff :-)

MommyG said...

Could Kheaven be any cuter?? What a doll! I enjoyed your flashback, crazy its already been a year! Time flies too quickly. I look forward to keeping up with you and Kheaven. =)