Friday, October 2, 2009

Letters of Intent

A prayer I just had to take from Pam's latest post.  She helped remind me I'm not alone.

"Lord, I want You to use what I have been through for your glory…
sometimes I can get in the way with my thoughts and my ideas and my fears and my disappointments…
help me…
use me…"

Letters of Intent

Dear Self,
Please stop crying.  Please let go of that knot in your heart.  Please, please be sooo greatful for what you have.  Be greatful for three healthy, happy children!  Be greatful for the love they give and the love you get to feel because of their love and just because they are so dang lovable!  Please know there's a reason for everything.  Please don't be scared. 

Dear self, there are people who go through so much more...  That doesn't mean it's not hard for you, that doesn't mean you won't face more challenges, but be greatful that you are not facing some of the things they are.  Self, be positive, let God lead you beside still waters.  Let your heart be calm.  There may be a time to cry more in the future, but right now things are very good, if not great.  REMEMBER THAT!  Stop thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong or be difficult. 

Be like Jeremy and just look at what you and the rest of the fam can do to move forward and give Kheaven the same kind of life as you strive to give the other kids.  Love him, not that that itself is difficult, your heart has been bursting since before he was born and even more so since!  Provide for him every opportunity you can to learn and grow and find his likes and dislikes, most importantly set a good example for him and let God take care of the rest!  It's worked with the other two, it will work with him too.

Sincerely, with love and acceptance of one's self,

First off I apologize for my first letter of intent being such a downer.  I don't imagine they'll always be this way, and I suppose it probably could have been worse.

On Wednesday I found out that my sweety little Kheaven has Downs Syndrome. 

I've been feeling lots of things, most of which I can't even deceipher at this point!  The good/GREAT news though is that Kheaven is VERY healthy!!  He doesn't have anything wrong with him at this point...  Good heart, good muscle tone, no thyroid problems.  He has to go back for another hearing screen on his right ear, but that's alright, we know the left one works right now!  He is a strong baby.  He's 11 days old and can roll onto his side, (my little/I guess almost big boy Austi rolled over at two weeks!) he lifted his head up during tummy time today, he's nursing wonderfully, (a lot of DS babies can't because of poor control of their tongue) and yeah, right now it's just the same as it was with my other two.

Unfortuntaely I am anxious and worried about what the future may bring.  I am trying very hard to go day by day, and Thurs was much better than Weds...  We're already getting things in the works for therapy to keep his muscle tone up and I have been reading like crazy about things that will help him with some of his development.  I have read many encouraging stories and know that I will be able to handle things.

I am just a little hard on myself because I want to handle things all RIGHT NOW!..  and I know that I should allow myself some time, but it's not really in my nature.  Jeremy's and my family have both been wonderful, as have the doctor's and nurses at the clinic I go to.  I am so greatful for all of this and find so much strength in their support.

Prayers are always a good thing, so if you happen to say a little one, or a big one for our fam it would be much appreciated.  :-)


Foursons said...

Your letters so inspirational. I am so sorry your got this diagnosis for your sweet Kheaven. I pray that all the challenges you face in raising him and all the challenges he faces in growing up are a blessing to all of you and not filled with bitterness and sadness.

Thanks for linking up, I'm just sorry your first time doing so has your heart filled with grief for the loss of what you dreamed you and your family's future to be.

Pam said...

i am so glad that we don't walk down these hard roads alone too. i will be prayerful for you too... not easy.

Nicole.Ann said...

Amy you're always in my prayers and I will continue to pray for what you ask that you need prayers for.

Kheavan is a beautiful baby and I'm so glad that he is SO healthy, despite having DS.

You are going to be a wonderful mother for him, God gave Kheaven to you because He KNOWS you are perfect for helping him through this life.

Just remember you have lots of people here for you!!

Love you,

Brutally Honest said...

Wow Amy, I can't even imagine the flood of emotions that is going through you right now. Our prayers are with you and sweet Kheaven; just that you will hold fast to God's promise that he has a plan for your family.

Kmama said...

God bless baby Kheaven and you. I'm sorry that your heart is so heavy right now, but you are right. Delight in the good news...that he's so healthy!!

Hang in there!

He & Me + 3 said...

As his Mother, I know that your heart is feeling so heavy for him and the situation that you find yourself in...waiting has always been hard for me too. God knows everything you are feeling & He created your BEAUTIFUL Kheaven. He will see you through & give you peace along the way.
I will be praying for peace & for Kheaven.

Five Moms & A Blog said...

Thanks for popping by the 5 Moms today. I know...I hate Ironing, but I know it needs to be done. :)
Praying for you.

Adrienne said...

Oh what a precious baby boy you have!!! You're not alone in all this and all these feelings you have. I had all of them and still do from time to time. But my Bennett has already been such a blessing to so many people and I know your Kheaven will too. This was not in your plans but it was in God's plans and his ways are AlWAYS better than ours. So glad Kheaven is healthy and strong-he is perfect with that extra chromosome and the world may not see that always but you will and God does. Many blessings to you and your family!!!

Wendy P said...

He's beautiful! Congratulations on your new little one. I just wanted to tell you that I know it's hard right now, but believe me, you have wonderful things ahead. My daughter is almost 3 and she is amazing.

Just Stacy said...

This might not be the most politically correct comment to leave, but my family still laughs at it, tis very funny ... and I have a handful of funnies about my cousin with DS ....

Here in Alberta there is a huge rivalry between the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers. My cousin Little K (with the DS) is a die-hard Flames fan. The teams biggest fan I'm sure. An uncle of ours was talking to Little K about hockey a few years back and asked him if he cheered for Edmonton too ... Well you could tell by the look that came across Little K's face that he was not too happy with the question ... he shook his head, banged his hand across his chest and said (well stammered really) "Uncle! The Oilers are retards!"

Again, maybe not the comment you were looking for, but that's funny shit! He's a great kid, even in his mid-30's, he's a kid. With a great personality, a hilarious sense of humour, who takes enormous pride in his work, and has the ability to love completely and unconditionally.

I'm sorry for the news you received last week. Your family was chosen for Kheaven for a reason. Take care!!

Aunt Crazy said...

I found you through your comment to Stacy. I think Stacy is right, you were chosen for Kheaven. You must be special to be given him to love and care for! Good luck.

mauimom said...

Congratulations on your sweet baby boy! Everything will be ok, it sounds like Kheaven has started life very strong and healthy. He is darling! When I found out about our third child having DS, I found it very helpful to read all of the wonderful blogs out there. It is amazing how many families are in similar situations, and also how many families already have experience to pass on to the rest of us. Give him a big kiss from us!